I am – I don’t even know. I had an epiphany that solves my WordPress title (“seeking whispers”). The last epiphany that struck me so much was years and years ago when I realised that my body is an integral part of me and that I had always considered myself “Me” and “My Body” but never as one whole. This is so exciting!
So, I grew up Christian. For the past two years I have casually been questioning the truth of Christianity, and more seriously over the past two months I declared myself an atheist, etc to have a more impartial view, and I was honestly getting ready to rid myself of a crazy illogic. A staunchly rational philosophy professor encouraged me in this. From every outside angle, Christianity is ridiculous. The “moral good” it produces started hospitals, yes, but also starts lots of wars. Oppression from imposing Christianity on conquered and colonized people, Bible hate-thumping, rejection of gay people and so many other pains littered the history and presence of the Church, and I wanted no more of it. The Bible didn’t even make sense to me, especially the person of Jesus, who you think you’d kinda have to agree with to join His Church at all.
So last week I fell in love with Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard, and he had a claim that started to erode my intellectual defenses: that Christianity is not a contradictory faith, but a paradox. When the eternal meets the time-bound, it cannot make sense. I can’t explain more of what he wrote, but his perspective answered concerns I never voiced and refreshed me.
Then, all the Breaking Bad references reminded me of one verse:
Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me. (Revelation 3:20)
I saw this a day or two ago, and had my revelation a little later.
My relationship with God: “seeking whispers.” I knew our relations were muffled. I can’t find him inside the house, but I hear him calling for me sometimes. I thought He was unreachable, or that I was lost, or never invited to His family.
My Sunday school teacher told me nine years ago that Jesus was knocking on the door of my heart, and all I had to do to be saved was accept Him. As it turns out, I was alerted to His presence there, but I forgot to let Him in.
For nine years, I would say, “I’m coming!” and “Please come in. Make yourself at home in my heart and in my life. Can I get you anything?” and neglect to open the door. I would look around, and think He had already left me.
I ask God over the phone, “Who is this at my door? Who wants to come in? I don’t know them. I only want You in here. Protect me!” And God answers, “That is me.” I say, “Whenever life gets rough, my house sounds like it’s going to fall apart.” And He says, “That’s me knocking. I want to hold you when you’re scared and sad.” But I never recognized Him. We have been together for a decade, but I have never seen His face and never knew what He looks like. How embarrassing, that I say “I love you” and “I don’t know you” to Him in one breath! Like a gentleman, He will never force his way in. I really respect that about Him, but I kinda hate the responsibility that courtesy puts on me to be an active contributor to our relationship.
I wonder what Jesus thinks about while he waits for me to let Him in. What does Jesus think, hearing my promises through the wood, hearing me call for Him, yell at Him for abandoning me, or questioning His existence because I can’t find Him inside, when he is standing on my porch (after 9 years!), patient and full of love, probably holding a bouquet of roses behind his back for me, smiling so happily when He thinks of when He will see me, sometimes frustrated that I leave Him outside when I need Him with me, still eager to finally get to know me in person.
With enduring patience, He waits still and may come in soon! I know I know deep down how to let Him in, but it isn’t conscious yet. I’m scared and I need to get over that. I hope that comes with time, but I may need guidance. And once I do let Him in, I have to remember to keep letting Him back in after I kick Him out or He leaves for whatever reason.
I’m so excited! I kinda found God.