There is a lot of resistance from the world. It’s like I’m destined for doom. Lots of things go wrong. My flight to the forbidden land may be a scam. What a relief that would be! Then I could gladly do His will and find peace.
So last year I was planning to study abroad. I applied to go to New South Wales, Australia. I prayed about it when I received my confirmation email, before I saw whether I would be accepted or rejected, and asked my Lord (as I called him then) whether or not to go. I heard an answer, from my own head, the Holy Spirit, or something malicious, I don’t know and I don’t know how to find out. I hate that unknown. I said: “Should I go?” It said: “If you go, you will have a really good time, better than if you stayed here. I will not stop you / stand in your way. (quieter now) But don’t go.” Somehow, though, my mom found out that I was accepted and I have finished the remainder of the application. I have been considering and fighting that thought/message/Word over and over. Every time I try to say, “I’ll change my plans and stay.”, my parents dissuade me. I don’t know how to trust these words, and God has revealed nothing more to me on the subject. Since then, I have even had to say that God does not exist for a week at a time to be able to have any peace with myself and my actions. I am set to fly out to Australia tonight. I am asking God: “Why? Why should I stay? Why should I not go? What will that do?” And I ask, “Will I die there?” And I meet silence. “Will my plane crash?” Silence. “Will the world be worse off?” Mournful silence. Will my choice to fly down there cause a chain of events that will be bad, or will my presence itself down there be bad? Silence. And why am I promised a good time? Will God be down there? – that is something I am scared to think about. Will I lose my faith with a big stroke against Him? Will my untrusting actions kill the life He meant for me to have? I was so scared when I was initially faced with this decision that I would go against the Will of God. I asked my friends what to do, saying I was scared of missing something. They only considered missing friends, concerts, classes, and the new freshman class. No one mentioned the only thing I was thinking about: that I would miss out on God’s will for my life. I did not feel bold or free enough to bring it up myself – it sounds so foolish! Now, it’s too late. Now, I feel locked into the choice that I made, and I don’t know how to escape it. I have prayed constantly for God to somehow prevent me from going. But He said that he would not stop me. I have recently been praying for God to change His Will and plan so that this will be good for the world. I don’t know what to do, and I am sick with regret and powerlessness to do what is right. I think that message was from God. I don’t know if I will be hurt, if other people will be hurt at home or in Australia or elsewhere, or if I will miss something that God had planned for me, or if I will prevent someone else from meeting God. What if some of my prayers will never be answered because I am not there to receive them where God wanted me? I will never be able to sit well with myself if I do wrong by God. My life already has no value to me; now it will be worthless, or less than worthless, to the world and His Kingdom. Is this mortal sin, to knowingly go against His stated will? It’s in the Acts: Paul was instructed to not go preach in Asia. It is within reason that God will tell me not to go to Australia. He should mark my path out for me. Yet the ambiguity and doubt lets me do this. If I could be absolutely sure that word came from God, I would not go. As it is, I have been dragging my feet and turning everything in at the last minute to give God every opportunity to tell me, “Yes, go,” or “No, don’t go,” or to provide me with a new opportunity. But he is silent.
In this frantic search for answers, I have discovered that I really want to go to China. I will not have the opportunity to do that in my college career, except perhaps over next summer, if I don’t have to take classes to make up for what I’m taking less of this semester. If I had to guess, I would say that God wills for me to stay home with my parents this semester, and take it off from school. I am too worn out by classes and the shards of relationships littering my campus to do well this semester if I stay, which is what motivated me to go abroad in the first place – for a break. It should still be a break, and since I don’t want to graduate late, it will give me transfer credits. And this will save me money – tuition is less than half the price there than it is here. But I would do God’s will at any price – so I say. If I would not give up my pride and talk to my friends honestly about what I’m considering, or talk to my friends, am I really working towards God’s will? Or is that something I just say, to make me feel good? His Will be done if it is easy.