Tag Archives: wicked

The church hates free sex. I want sex. The church and I are enemies.

I am 20 years old. I have never had sex. I have never had a boyfriend. I have never even “touched myself” (sorry for TMI), and I don’t talk about sex, never ever ever. For the last big chunk of my life, I have craved sex. Why, then, am I so strictly chaste? Because that’s what good girls do. And I am a good girl.

My religion taught me from a young age that sex is bad and that I am bad for wanting it. Sex has been one of my most enjoyed thoughts and one of my deepest, tabooed and stigma-rich secrets. Since I was about 12 I have had sexual fantasies weekly if not daily. (I also have other, violent fantasies, probably from repression of these, but that’s another story.)

I do want sex. I do want a boyfriend. I want to be loved. I want my body to matter. Every day that goes by when I am alone puts another nail in the coffin of my desires. If I had not been forced to be religious when I was growing up, I really doubt that I would be like this. My best friend from elementary school got into BDSM. I’ve no doubt I would have been more like that, or at least romantically involved, without church to constantly yell at me and condemn me for having any physical desire for another person.

I can’t even touch people without my inner “good girl” critic yelling at me. My ingrained church rules effectively stunted my sexual development, and I am yet a virgin (their goal fulfilled!), but it’s a success carried out by shaming and guilt. This is partly why I hate myself now. No matter how well I hide it, I have always been attracted to sex (who hasn’t?), making me question myself and the “demons inside me” at every turn when my church leaders said over and over “sex is bad.” Then, if I want sex, I’m bad. I’m female, so it’s not even possible for me to want sex. I should stand up for my brothers in Christ who are taken over by their own desires and protect them from themselves, and that ends my involvement with sex. I am to be a brick wall until I flip a switch on my wedding night.

I can’t believe that the god who designed sex would give me these feelings and not have a safe place for me to vent, feel them, or even talk about them. My church was not a home for me growing up, and has never felt safe for me to express all of me, because of its condemnation of sexual desire, and its refusal to accept that I am both a woman made in the image of God and a body filled at times with lust and sexual desire.

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Dear Lord, why are you so cruel? Where is your justice?

I dread punishment. I am convinced that if I hear you ask me to do something, I will be guilted into doing it, despise doing it, and if I mess up, I will face your wrath. I don’t see you as a loving master, but as a cruel one. Why did you keep Moses out of the Promised Land for just hitting a rock??? Why did your blessing for Jacob/Israel come only with permanent damage (dislocating his hip)? Why did you make your Son suffer such terrible agony, the worst torture the Romans had conceived? Why did you let Samuel’s mother (Hannah) give up her long-awaited son when she finally had him? You let Abraham keep Isaac, even after you asked for him to be sacrificed. Why did you make David go through so much struggle when he was young, chased by the king, and then by his own son, Absalom! And his best best friend, Jonathan, died in the battle that made him (David) king. Why? You gave your chosen people 40 years in the desert, wandering, for a week of disobedience? It doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t sound just. Punish them all??? And your martyrs – why did you let Dietrich Boenhoeffer die? Why have you called so many of your people (who love you, who are loved by You, you say) to death? To suffering and pain? How can you be a good God and yet visit such terrible, extreme wrath on us all, so much on even your friends? Casting Adam and Eve out for one fruit? I guess you demand perfection. Making Jeremiah weep, Elijah grow tired, Hosea marry a prostitute (Gomer), and all that happened to Paul (shipwreck, snakebite, stoned, imprisoned many times). “Gomer didn’t realize how wonderful her life with Hosea was – so she left being a wife and mother to go back to being a harlot.”

I suppose you did love Jesus, so you ought to be furious with anyone not burning with love when they hear what he did, what you gave up, to save us. I don’t understand. Where is the gospel in this? What is the gospel? Love hurts.

And why is there so much pain when I don’t do what you ask?

My most wicked sin comes from how God designed me, and he plans to use my worst for his best.

Come on now, be rational. How can God use my shameful secrets and wicked sin for his glory? His glory can surely only come when I get rid of what’s wrong with me. I’m cleaned and the stains are washed away. The log is taken out of my eye. The sinful hand or foot is cut off and left behind.

And then I remember that God created me. He designed me specifically to be me. He had a purpose in mind for every part of me. How I use myself may be bad or sinful, but what I am is his design, and I must either confess that his design is very good, or reject him as God.

Moses is remembered for bringing the Israelites out of Egypt. In his youth, he had a passionate anger and a love for his people that led him to kill an Egyptian man who was beating an Israelite slave. So his adoptive father, the Pharaoh, sought to kill him, and Moses had to flee. He made a new life with shepherds in another country, Midian, instead of among his people or in the palace in which he was raised. Murder is bad. It’s even one of the Ten Commandments! Moses surely was mad with himself. He had killed a man, he was apart from his people, and his people did not love him. One Israelite had condemned him before he left:

“Who appointed you to be our prince and judge? Are you going to kill me as you killed that Egyptian yesterday?” (Exodus 2:14)

If I were Moses, I would want to distance myself from the anger that had ruined my life and hopes and dreams. But God wasn’t finished with Moses. And God didn’t plan to make Moses better by removing his anger. What caused Moses much grief early on was shaped by God over Moses’ 40 years of hiding into an essential tool for Moses to lead. As he grew in relationship with God, his maturing spirit developed patience and self-control, turning Moses into the great person we remember him to be (and who God made him to be), driven by his deep passion for his people and his relationship with God, to save God’s people.

Now, the Israelites were a sad bunch. They couldn’t remember freedom, and they were weak. They had little trust in God, and even after they were set free they noisily whined and complained about everything. Having to wander the desert for 40 years didn’t help. Moses needed that consuming love and emotion for Israel, that once drove him to murder for their sake, to be able to lead them tirelessly. What Moses used on his own caused disaster for him, but when God joined his life, it became an essential tool for building God’s kingdom.

This gives me hope.

One of my shameful secrets is that I enjoy rape-themed sexual fantasies. This is something I have struggled to rid myself of, and hidden – it’s never something I would want to admit. I hate it! I hate what it turns me into, like an animal, filthy and repulsive. It has always scared me that I would somehow want to have someone rape me, even in my imagination. Something about that loss of power appeals to a part of me that cannot be denied. I am confused when I hear everyone decrying rape, and then I look inside myself and scold, “How could you want that? What are you? Surely not normal, not human.”

So, three or four times in the last two years, I have started shaking when I was worshipping God for an extended time – either through song (3x) or through listening to someone speak the gospel again in truth (1x). Last night was the third time with song. So I did a Google search to try to find explanations. I have to bring this experience to God in prayer before I can actually read the sites I’ve pulled up, and let him teach me first. Still, I happened to read the line that someone “shakes when the spirit falls on them” and a shiver went through me. This gives me a very small shift in perspective – a partial explanation, and as yet incompletely satisfying. But it’s something.

Maybe, just maybe, this much-hated desire of mine can be transformed. Where it is directed into the world, to have my person overcome is to have a person, a man, rape me. But to direct it into the spiritual realm is to desire for God to overtake me, for his Holy Spirit to fall on me. That makes me a little bit uncomfortable, nervous, because I know God can actually overtake me like that, and if I ask him, he will. It is so strange to think that what I had always wanted, and could only hate that I wanted, I can now have, and have it fully, deeper than it could have been if my greatest fantasies were fulfilled by men. A glass of water has been traded for the sea. Is this part of the meaning of God as my “lover”? I am so excited that what I want (to be consumed) and what God wants (to consume me) can be the same.

I can let this part of myself emerge now. It’s not a weed, but a flower that was growing upside-down. I wonder what it will be like as God continues to transform me into what he has made me to finally become. But the journey is going to be incredible.

I stand in wonder of how God made me. He planned it out this way. He is not replacing me with himself, like I thought for so long. I thought he would go through me and take out what is sinful, and replace it with what he is. I was so mad with him that I needed to be changed so much, that I would lose who I am and become a stereotypical Christian, a Jesus-copy. But instead of switching out my parts that don’t work with his parts, he is just moving pieces around and giving parts new direction. I am still all me, but in a better way. Can I say I’m more me than I was before? And I’m closer to God (more satisfied in him), bless his name.

What can be used for the most good can also be used for the most evil. So the parts of me that I most hate may be one and the same with God’s favorite parts of me, because when they are used wrongly, they cause me the most pain and shame, but when I use them the right way they bring us both the most joy.

I pray that you would be encouraged to seek God’s will for what you feel you have to hide about yourself. I pray that he will guide you on the wild, weird, incredible journey of salvation. And I pray that you will be able to find satisfaction in knowing that every last bit of you was created by God and will be wonderful when used in line with his will. Amen.

Neither incompetent nor wicked, but called beloved and friend of God.

How great it is, when I am overcome by the depths of my wickedness and incapacity to do anything right, that I remember that the one who designed us all crafted me uniquely to be who I am, and that he is my friend and he loves me. Praise him!

The voice that says “you worthless, incompetent fool!” is not the voice of God. He says, “My good and faithful servant.” (Matthew 25:21) The world says, “You should achieve more. You should be better. You should be nicer, friendlier, happier, smarter. If you do not measure up to perfection then you are nothing.” God says, “My presence will go with you and give you rest.” (Exodus 33:14) The prophets say, “The Lord your God is gracious and compassionate. He will not turn his face from you if you return to him.” (2 Chronicles 30:9)

The more you are like Jesus, the more the world will try to destroy you. We don’t want someone who will care for the poor. We don’t want someone who will give himself up to die a shameful public execution when his people were willing and able to make him king and rebel against the Roman oppression. We can’t understand him. And so we are compelled to fix the deep-soul discomfort that he gives us. So we must either let ourselves die to what we are, or kill him. Rich and powerful people have a very hard time letting themselves die, perhaps because of the suffering that comes with that, to which they are less accustomed than people routinely passed over by general society. So the poor and poor in spirit gladly follow Jesus, and the pharisees with authority want him to die. So much as you are like Jesus, they will want to get rid of you, too. “Pray for those who persecute you,” because it means that God has spoken through you in a way that unsettles them deep inside themselves. It is God offering them a chance at salvation, through your words and works. Do not relent when you are persecuted, but keep pushing, and pray all the more for your persecutors to turn to God.

“Be strong and let us fight bravely for our people and the cities of our God.” (2 Sam 10:12)

Like the Israelites fought (with struggle and casualty) to win every city of their God-promised land, so we fight to win every inch of the kingdom of God and, for the sake of the elect endure all things.

“Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s.” (2 Chronicles 20:15)

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When you hear someone tell you, or that silly little voice in your head says, “you are stupid, worthless, unworthy, incompetent”, know that you have more and are more than these lying criticisms can comprehend. You are God’s beloved and, through him, you have all wisdom, great riches, a seat in heaven, and God’s call to live the life you were designed for.

I pray that you would always know God’s love for you. I pray that his beauty would inflame your passion new each day and inspire you to life. I pray for your strength in his battles. Praise be to God. Amen.