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I wonder what Jesus thinks about while he waits for me to let Him in.

I am – I don’t even know. I had an epiphany that solves my WordPress title (“seeking whispers”). The last epiphany that struck me so much was years and years ago when I realised that my body is an integral part of me and that I had always considered myself “Me” and “My Body” but never as one whole. This is so exciting!

So, I grew up Christian. For the past two years I have casually been questioning the truth of Christianity, and more seriously over the past two months I declared myself an atheist, etc to have a more impartial view, and I was honestly getting ready to rid myself of a crazy illogic. A staunchly rational philosophy professor encouraged me in this. From every outside angle, Christianity is ridiculous. The “moral good” it produces started hospitals, yes, but also starts lots of wars. Oppression from imposing Christianity on conquered and colonized people, Bible hate-thumping, rejection of gay people and so many other pains littered the history and presence of the Church, and I wanted no more of it. The Bible didn’t even make sense to me, especially the person of Jesus, who you think you’d kinda have to agree with to join His Church at all.

So last week I fell in love with Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard, and he had a claim that started to erode my intellectual defenses: that Christianity is not a contradictory faith, but a paradox. When the eternal meets the time-bound, it cannot make sense. I can’t explain more of what he wrote, but his perspective answered concerns I never voiced and refreshed me.

Then, all the Breaking Bad references reminded me of one verse:

Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me. (Revelation 3:20)

I saw this a day or two ago, and had my revelation a little later.

My relationship with God: “seeking whispers.” I knew our relations were muffled. I can’t find him inside the house, but I hear him calling for me sometimes. I thought He was unreachable, or that I was lost, or never invited to His family.

My Sunday school teacher told me nine years ago that Jesus was knocking on the door of my heart, and all I had to do to be saved was accept Him. As it turns out, I was alerted to His presence there, but I forgot to let Him in.

For nine years, I would say, “I’m coming!” and “Please come in. Make yourself at home in my heart and in my life. Can I get you anything?” and neglect to open the door. I would look around, and think He had already left me.

I ask God over the phone, “Who is this at my door? Who wants to come in? I don’t know them. I only want You in here. Protect me!” And God answers, “That is me.” I say, “Whenever life gets rough, my house sounds like it’s going to fall apart.” And He says, “That’s me knocking. I want to hold you when you’re scared and sad.” But I never recognized Him. We have been together for a decade, but I have never seen His face and never knew what He looks like. How embarrassing, that I say “I love you” and “I don’t know you” to Him in one breath! Like a gentleman, He will never force his way in. I really respect that about Him, but I kinda hate the responsibility that courtesy puts on me to be an active contributor to our relationship.

I wonder what Jesus thinks about while he waits for me to let Him in. What does Jesus think, hearing my promises through the wood, hearing me call for Him, yell at Him for abandoning me, or questioning His existence because I can’t find Him inside, when he is standing on my porch (after 9 years!), patient and full of love, probably holding a bouquet of roses behind his back for me, smiling so happily when He thinks of when He will see me, sometimes frustrated that I leave Him outside when I need Him with me, still eager to finally get to know me in person.

With enduring patience, He waits still and may come in soon! I know I know deep down how to let Him in, but it isn’t conscious yet. I’m scared and I need to get over that. I hope that comes with time, but I may need guidance. And once I do let Him in, I have to remember to keep letting Him back in after I kick Him out or He leaves for whatever reason.

I’m so excited! I kinda found God.

Dream. Feminist.

Make an image out of this (from a dream I had):

a pretty woman is at a baseball game, and she gets harassed so she flees down to the basement/back/dark concrete to escape from them and cry, and gets mugged with a gun in her face. Images: they laugh she’s shocked / she’s crying on the ground and tearstained eyes look up at a gun. Like, there’s no escape from men.

Short dream dialogue, on cheating.

“I’m so glad I didn’t leave you and tell him that I needed him back, because Sarah’s teacher put me in charge of the PTA meetings, and all the other women did was discuss their sex lives. It’s like a high school drama. We have it so good. I love you, babe. *kiss* Cause I admit, I’ve had some problems with him in the past. Nothing you would see (not Sarah), and nothing in this house. But we did have issues.” ~he’s upset (betrayed), she’s relegated to sleeping in the basement for a year, and okay with that because she’s happy.

My last entry in my journal before this:

“don’t cheat (in a relationship). if you do, a good man has the right to destroy you. it’s not worth it.”

Fighting God’s will. Will I die?

There is a lot of resistance from the world. It’s like I’m destined for doom. Lots of things go wrong. My flight to the forbidden land may be a scam. What a relief that would be! Then I could gladly do His will and find peace.

So last year I was planning to study abroad. I applied to go to New South Wales, Australia. I prayed about it when I received my confirmation email, before I saw whether I would be accepted or rejected, and asked my Lord (as I called him then) whether or not to go. I heard an answer, from my own head, the Holy Spirit, or something malicious, I don’t know and I don’t know how to find out. I hate that unknown. I said: “Should I go?” It said: “If you go, you will have a really good time, better than if you stayed here. I will not stop you / stand in your way. (quieter now) But don’t go.” Somehow, though, my mom found out that I was accepted and I have finished the remainder of the application. I have been considering and fighting that thought/message/Word over and over. Every time I try to say, “I’ll change my plans and stay.”, my parents dissuade me. I don’t know how to trust these words, and God has revealed nothing more to me on the subject. Since then, I have even had to say that God does not exist for a week at a time to be able to have any peace with myself and my actions. I am set to fly out to Australia tonight. I am asking God: “Why? Why should I stay? Why should I not go? What will that do?” And I ask, “Will I die there?” And I meet silence. “Will my plane crash?” Silence. “Will the world be worse off?” Mournful silence. Will my choice to fly down there cause a chain of events that will be bad, or will my presence itself down there be bad? Silence. And why am I promised a good time? Will God be down there? – that is something I am scared to think about. Will I lose my faith with a big stroke against Him? Will my untrusting actions kill the life He meant for me to have? I was so scared when I was initially faced with this decision that I would go against the Will of God. I asked my friends what to do, saying I was scared of missing something. They only considered missing friends, concerts, classes, and the new freshman class. No one mentioned the only thing I was thinking about: that I would miss out on God’s will for my life. I did not feel bold or free enough to bring it up myself – it sounds so foolish! Now, it’s too late. Now, I feel locked into the choice that I made, and I don’t know how to escape it. I have prayed constantly for God to somehow prevent me from going. But He said that he would not stop me. I have recently been praying for God to change His Will and plan so that this will be good for the world. I don’t know what to do, and I am sick with regret and powerlessness to do what is right. I think that message was from God. I don’t know if I will be hurt, if other people will be hurt at home or in Australia or elsewhere, or if I will miss something that God had planned for me, or if I will prevent someone else from meeting God. What if some of my prayers will never be answered because I am not there to receive them where God wanted me? I will never be able to sit well with myself if I do wrong by God. My life already has no value to me; now it will be worthless, or less than worthless, to the world and His Kingdom. Is this mortal sin, to knowingly go against His stated will? It’s in the Acts: Paul was instructed to not go preach in Asia. It is within reason that God will tell me not to go to Australia. He should mark my path out for me. Yet the ambiguity and doubt lets me do this. If I could be absolutely sure that word came from God, I would not go. As it is, I have been dragging my feet and turning everything in at the last minute to give God every opportunity to tell me, “Yes, go,” or “No, don’t go,” or to provide me with a new opportunity. But he is silent.

In this frantic search for answers, I have discovered that I really want to go to China. I will not have the opportunity to do that in my college career, except perhaps over next summer, if I don’t have to take classes to make up for what I’m taking less of this semester. If I had to guess, I would say that God wills for me to stay home with my parents this semester, and take it off from school. I am too worn out by classes and the shards of relationships littering my campus to do well this semester if I stay, which is what motivated me to go abroad in the first place – for a break. It should still be a break, and since I don’t want to graduate late, it will give me transfer credits. And this will save me money – tuition is less than half the price there than it is here. But I would do God’s will at any price – so I say. If I would not give up my pride and talk to my friends honestly about what I’m considering, or talk to my friends, am I really working towards God’s will? Or is that something I just say, to make me feel good? His Will be done if it is easy.

“If changeableness that repents itself; partiality that elects some to be saved and others to be lost, or that answers the prayers of one and not of another; if incompetency that cannot heal the sick, or lack of love that will not; if unmercifulness, that for the sins of a few tired years punishes man eternally, – are our conceptions of Deity, we shall bring out these qualities of character in our own lives and extend their influence to others.” -Mary Baker Eddy

If in changing we do not change, if some are saved and some die for unknown reasons, if some prayers are answered and some are not, if some sick are not healed because of inability or lack of will to do so, if man will be condemned because of his sins when he was tired and worn, if these are the actions we commonly ascribe to our “just and loving” God, then we will become more like that false God, and influence others to also be unchanging / changing in cycle, unmerciful, partial, and unwilling to heal when we are able.

Why would God send those tornadoes?

There is a national outcry against a man who massacres a crowd. We want to know “why did he do that?” and we condemn him. He has done a very evil act.

Brothers kill 3 and injure 264 at Boston Marathon. 100,000 die in Iraq war, including 4,488 American soldiers. Drone strike kills 4 in Afghanistan. Man kidnaps two teenage girls, little chance of survival. Man shoots, kills dad.

Why do we do this to each other?

Natural disasters since 1975 have killed less than half the number that Hitler killed, but it’s still a massive amount. And, as a Christian, I must believe that God is all-powerful. Theists have to ask, “why?” for natural disasters, too. Why would God allow this great evil?

Tornadoes kill 24 in Moore, Oklahoma. New MERS virus kills 22 in Middle East, threatens everyone. Tsunami kills 230,000 in 14 countries (in 2004, remember that one?).

Why, Lord? Why?